In Vino Ver... Oh, The Hell With It — DOGGEREL!

I glanced over my little wine rack today after a minor buying run. No individual wine was more than $5 a bottle and most were cheaper than that... it is possible to buy a very satisfactory table wine for very little money these days, and I've done exactly that, because retired elderly Americans aren't left with a great deal of money, except those who are, ah, left with a great deal of money.

In any case, I noted that the rack contained sixteen bottles of wine. Sixteen wines... hmmm, how could I resist a bit of parody...

In Vino...

Some... people say a wine is made out of grape;
A poor wine gets ya' by the neck o' the nape:
The nape o' the neck, and skin an' bones...
A nose that's weak but a finish strong...

Ya' taste sixteen wines, 'n' whaddya' get?
A little bit drunker and possibly wet;
St. Vincent don' ya' call me 'cause I cain't go...
I SOLD MY SO-O-O-OUL... FOR A CASE OF MERLOT!

- Steve Bates

OK, it could be better, but I'm impatient to publish before the effect of the wine wears off...

THIS POST IS INTENTIONALLY POSTDATEDEarly Voting Starts Tuesday 2/16 In Texas

Harris County residents please find information and useful links below; also a fragment of parody/doggerel for the occasion. We plan to vote this weekend; one of us has a paying gig that makes weekday voting difficult!

(This post will float to the top while early voting is ongoing, i.e., through 2/26. Election Day is 3/1; your Election Day polling place is most likely NOT THE SAME as any early voting location.)

Thinking Of Esther — CATTEREL!

Someone has been mighty friendly and attentive to me lately...

Esther Kitty

Of all the creatures I have seen,
Our Esther's best... and that is that!
Eliza may be fairest queen,
But Esther is the fur-est cat!

Your Maserati, Ferlinghetti,
Each is great, within his Beat,
But if you're seeking soft and pet‑ty?
Esther: no cat's half so sweet.

With Esther on your lap, your chair,
Your dining table... you'll discover
You are truly glad she's there —
The perfect pet: you gotta love 'er!

— Steve Bates

Alternative last clause: "you got a lover!" Pronounced the same, whichever you choose.

A Mid-Sunday-Morning Poem For Stella

... written in a rough rendering of Stella's smooth style, with a touch of Dr. Seuss...

Brunch

Whadd'ya want for brunch?
Will it pack a punch?
Will it make a crunch?
D'ya have a hunch
What ya wanna munch?

Speak soon, or it'll be
   time for lunch!

— Steve Bates

Bernie For Prez — DOGGEREL!

Of course, after the previous post, the Yellow Doggerel Democrat must deliver a verse advocating Sen. Bernie Sanders for President:

Bernie for Prez

Leave out all the neolib's,
Every Bush, their kids, their sib's,
Every GOPer. I've got dibs
On the man named Bernie.

Skip all guys with names like "Lincoln"
(Too Republican, I'm thinkin').
At O'Malley we're not winkin',
To that favorite son not blinkin'.
Better stick with Bernie.

For the moment, even Hil
Doesn't give my heart a thrill,
Posture: cautious, sometimes chill;
Politics: resembles Bill?
Trade: she's silent... why not spill?
Think I'll vote for Bernie.

Need a prez with knowledge vast?
One not living in the past?
One at whom you're not aghast?
One whose mind is quick, not fast?
Cool, unruffled, unharassed?
Each of you: I hope you'll cast
Your one vote for Bernie!

— Steve Bates

Feeling No Pain — DOGGEREL!

Ah, modern medicine! Stella has been suffering sustained headaches for about 24 hours now; I don't know if they're migraines but if they are, I hope this new procedure developed at Albany Medical Center and SUNY Empire State College can help her. First a few details:

Minimally invasive migraine treatment 'reduced painkiller use in 88% of patients'

At the Society of Interventional Radiology's Annual Scientific Meeting, clinicians from Albany Medical Center and the State University New York Empire State College in Saratoga Springs, NY, explained how the new treatment - image-guided, intranasal sphenopalatine ganglion (SPG) blocks - provided ongoing relief to migraine patients.

"Migraine headaches are one of the most common, debilitating diseases in the United States, and the cost and side effects of medicine to address migraines can be overwhelming," says Dr. Kenneth Mandato, the study's lead researcher and an interventional radiologist at Albany Medical Center.

"Intranasal sphenopalatine ganglion blocks are image-guided, targeted, breakthrough treatments," he elaborates. "They offer a patient-centered therapy that has the potential to break the migraine cycle and quickly improve patients' quality of life."

...

The treatment is minimally invasive and involves 4% lidocaine being administered to the patient via a "spaghetti-sized catheter" inserted through the patient's nasal passage. Through this route, the lidocaine is delivered to the patient's sphenopalatine ganglion - a bundle of nerves just behind the nose that are associated with migraines.

...

Well, OK, that sounds good! Now the doggerel...

Research and Envelopment

Your head hurts? Great!
Now Empire State
Has something for your pain:
If you're not dead,
They've got a med
That goes against migraine.

With Albany,
Their SPG
Is playing with your blocks:
Their tiny hose
Goes up your nose...
Don't squirt it on your socks!

The lidocaine
Will ease your pain
(For eighty-eight percent of you);
Now bring your purse:
You won't get worse...
But they will have their rent of you!

- SB the YDD

The Challenges Of Small Town Life — Doggerel!

Catherine Thompson at TPM tells us about one of those challenges:

Ohio Town Orders Man To Take Down Zombie Nativity Scene

A suburb of Cincinnati, Ohio has ordered one resident to remove a zombie-themed nativity scene from his property, local TV station WLWT reported Tuesday night.

Jasen Dixon, a Sycamore Township man who manages a haunted house in Indiana, built the manger scene with zombie-like figures standing in for Joseph, Mary, baby Jesus and the three wise men.

But town officials following up on two anonymous complaints found that Dixon's handmade nativity scene violated zoning codes.

...

Yeah, right; zoning codes. It's time for a double dactyl, folks, about the...

Zombie Takedown!

Higgledy piggledy,
Zombie Nativity
Vacantly stares at our
Midwestern town;

Direly reducing our
Profitability:
Bad for our Christmas — now
Take the thing down!

— SB the YDD

November March — Doggerel!

November March

Vote... vote... vote... vote... If Donkey or Elephant, monkey or stoat, If eagle or pigeon, but not a Pet Goat, Go vote... vote... vote... vote! Vote... vote... vote... vote... Ignore the commercial with five-second quote And shades of the Koch Brothers crossing the moat, Just vote... vote... vote... vote! Vote... vote... vote... vote... If not, your opinion is not worth a groat, You'll have no control of who's bless'd and who's smote, So vote... vote... vote... vote! Vote... vote... vote... vote... Just think of the children on whom you do dote, Or of your opponents, obscure or of note, The beam's in their eye, and in yours but a mote, You're useless unless you are rocking the boat, Stay home and your policies never will float, Get out of your house or your hovel or cote, Go winnow the grain while you're feeling your oat, Rely on your brain, or a list you may tote, Use mind or use heart, or just do it by rote, Just  vote...   vote...    vote...     vote...      vote...       vote...        VOTE!

Steve Bates, 1998
(with adaptations)

Every election is important, but among off-year elections, there may never have been one as important as this one. You have, including today, just four days of early voting, plus Election Day a week from today (Nov. 4), left to make your opinion count. Get off your tails and get out and vote! And if you're a Democrat, or see the necessity of voting that way this election, take a few like-minded friends with you.

Church Of The Holy Phallus

Daily Kos (along with doubtless a lot of other sites) offers this pic of the Christian Science Church in Dixon, Illinois:

The photo is from Google Maps. The church was built around an old oak tree (no word on whether a yellow ribbon was tied around it) and apparently it doesn't look phallic from the ground. Even so, the church elders have announced their intention to place a "fig leaf" on the church. I do wonder what that will look like...

---

UPDATE: this reminds me of an incident in Redmond, WA and some doggerel I wrote about it in March 1998:

3/11/1998 (AP) ... U.S. District Court Judge Michael Telesca
ruled Feb. 19 that Ontario, N.Y. had the right to deny Sprint's
application to erect three 150-foot towers. Sprint had filed
the suit when its plans were rejected. Just last month,
Redmond, Wash., residents objected to a U S West proposal to
mix the high-tech with the holy. The company wants to build
a steeple for Trinity Anglican Church that would house six
wireless-telephone antennas. ...

In-spired

For blocks around, you hear the sound,
The church's neighbors bawling:
They love the spire but not the wire,
The steeple's one true "calling."

This line to God won't get the nod,
Well, not from Redmond's people,
Their secret fear? That God will hear
Your phone sex through their steeple!

- SB the YDD

Setting Your Clock

Fall

Post this notice in your hall:
It is really, truly Fall;
You’ll receive a nasty shock
If you don’t SET BACK YOUR CLOCK!

- SB the YDD

... from "Daylight Saving, Daylight Wasting: Poems to Scare the Daylight Out of You and then Into You Again"

Sad Story In Rhyme

From the Guardian:

Marc Blackburn has been a park ranger with the National Park Service for nineteen years and currently works at Nez Perce National Historical Park in Idaho. Due to the ongoing government shutdown, Marc hasn't been working for over a week. He will not be paid until the government reopens.

Sad indeed:

A park ranger who works at Nez Perce
Says that matters could hardly be werce:
"While the government's shut
I am stuck in a rut—
And my paycheck, no one can disberce!"

- SB the YDD

Ignoring Parents' Wishes, Judge Renames Baby From ‘Messiah’ To ‘Martin’ — DOGGEREL!

From TPM's Tom Kludt:

A judge in Tennessee ordered that a 7-month-old baby's name be changed from "Messiah," prompting the mother to challenge the ruling.

Jaleesa Martin and the father of the baby were attending a child support hearing Thursday in Cocke County, Tenn. to settle a dispute over Messiah's last name. It was there that Child Support Magistrate Lu Ann Ballew took the liberty to hand down a ruling on the boy's first name, too.

"The word Messiah is a title and it's a title that has only been earned by one person and that one person is Jesus Christ," Judge Ballew said, according to t.v. station WBIR. Ballew said the child could go by "Martin DeShawn McCullough," which includes both the mother and father's names.

...

As WBIR noted, "Messiah" was one of the five fastest growing male baby names between 2011 and 2012, according to the Social Security Administration.

Well, that's mighty presumptuous of Judge Ballew... what's next? Will she rename all those Hispanic boys named Jesus and girls named Maria? Just how far does this go?

Who Will Save Us? Not Fundamentalist Judges!

A judge who's holier than some
Decided that she wouldn't buy a
Charming little boy whose Mom
Saw fit to name the tyke MESSIAH.

Said Judge Ballew, "that name's reserved...
To call him that is bad behavior!"
"Well," the startled Mom observed;
"How 'bout instead we name him SAVIOR?"

The judge said she would brook no fooling:
"'Nuff of this, now; quit yer fartin'...
I proclaim my solemn ruling:
As of now, his name is MARTIN."

The Mom was ticked; her rage was blind;
"This is not over," said with feeling,
"'Nother judge will shortly find
This charming child to be... APPEALING!"

SB the YDD

UPDATE: the ACLU of Tennessee has offered to assist with the appeal.

The Right To Rule — DOGGEREL!

The Supreme Court eviscerates the Voting Rights Act of 1965...
(See previous post.)

The Right to Rule

The GOP proclaims it sport
To take advantage of the Court,
That what the Court (they knock on wood)
Could do, no legislation could.
The GOPers' silent prayer: "How great,
If only Courts could legislate!"

Since Marshall's time, the fact has been,
They can! No matter how obscene
Their transformation of a law...
What once was cabbage, now is slaw.
Five Justices one law can shred...
What once was law, is lately dead.

And so today, Scalia, who
(Alito, Roberts, Thomas too)
Was joined by Kennedy ("the swing")
To rule a sorry, damnéd thing:
The franchise is the right they smote...
"No universal right to vote!"

Thus states and counties pick and choose
Who has the right to vote, and whose
Intent to vote... surprise, surprise...
Was leaning toward those other guys,
And therefore, they must block. You see?
Dem "voters" ... they cannot ID!

- SB the YDD

Going To The Big House — Doggerel

Riding METROLift to physical therapy a few days ago, I was treated to a rapid drive‑by survey of the houses in my neighborhood. The neighborhood is a desirable one; the house we lease is a "tear-downer" that will be gone in a few years, in favor of a much larger monstrosity. That's sad, because the neighborhood has (had?) real character: every house, modest though it may be, was individual, unlike those early suburbs in which every third house on the opposite side of a street was identical in every respect except perhaps the color it was painted. In any case, I was riding in one of the larger, more comfortable METROLift vans, and had my notepad handy; I was moved to scribble this...

Going Bimodal

While some of us fret
  about losing our jobs,
For others, there's hope
  of expansion:
Their pocket's so full
  that it practically throbs . . .
(Hot-damn! There's another
  McMansion!)

- SB the YDD

(There's a castle with a turret, similar to this one, two houses down the street from me. If I had $3m to spend on a home, I don't think I'd be quite this silly. But YMMV...)

Happy Valentine's Day!

     the valentine that really counts

no flowers today, i can't buy 'em or pick 'em;
no greeting cards mailed with no stamps; i can't lick 'em.
no cadbury chocolates, dear; with or without nuts...
no, still, you've got me, love,
   no ifs, ands or buts!

one song i'll deliver, not sung, and not cabled;
one rhyme for you, from your devoted disabled.
one year we're not dining at luxury places...
one house and each other,
   and faces to faces.

two cats and two food bowls (they share just one litter);
two humans in residence, neither a quitter.
two legs, my dear valentine, now i am lacking...
two feet shall we each have next year...
   with your backing!

---

Happy Valentine's Day, lovely Stella! I love you!

- Steve
2/14/2013

(From the bottom of my heart my heart at the bottom!)
 

Fifty Ways... Parody Doggerel

What would it sound like if we could listen in on Karl Rove's... seduction... of a new operative? (This looks best with a maximized window on a 1280-x-something display.)

Fifty Ways to Lose Your Conscience

"The problem is all inside your head,"
    Karl said to me;
"The answer is easy if you
    Act remorselessly;
I'd like to help you to
    Accept the GOP,
There must be...
    Fifty ways to lose your conscience."

He said "It's always been my habit to be blunt;
Furthermore, I hope that my directness
    isn't an affront;
But I'll repeat myself
Just in case that dog won't hunt,
There must be fifty ways
    to lose your conscience;
    Fifty ways to lose your conscience.

(chorus)
Just switch off some votes, Coates;
Break a few rules, Jules;
Issue some threat, Rhett;
    Now listen to me...
Bribe a guy with a car, Carr,
No need to go too far,
Just drop off their fee, Gee,
    And get yourself... free.

(repeat chorus)
Ooh, switch off some votes, Coates;
Break a few rules, Jules;
Issue some threat, Rhett;
    Now listen to me...
Bribe a guy with a car, Carr,
No need to go too far,
Just drop off their fee, Gee,
    And get yourself... free.

Karl said "It mustn't grieve you seeing peasants all in pain,
I'm certain something I can do will make you cold again."
I said "I appreciate that.
And would you please explain
    About the fifty ways?"

Karl said "why don't we both just sleep on this tonight, check your
Pockets in the morning, everything will be all right." And then he
Bribed me, and I realized he probably was right,
There must be...
    Fifty ways to lose your conscience,
    Fifty ways to lose your conscience.

(chorus)
Just steal a few votes, Coates,
Break a few rules, Jules,
Make a new threat, Rhett,
    Now listen to me...
Look, here's your new car, Carr,
You'll be like a rock star,
Just do what I say, Jay,
    You'll never be... free.

— SB the YDD

A huge H/T to Mr. Simon for writing the perfect vehicle for this parody!

A Sad Limerick...

... in response to Mad Kane:

Well, that wasn’t the former Barack; He showed up, barely punching the clock. No R. Browning, his reach Just exceeded his speech… His responses, at best, were ad hoc.

- Steve Bates

Seamus's Story

Of all the Romney stories told and to be told, the one that struck me most deeply was the one of the Romney family Irish Setter, Seamus, who was strapped in his carrier on the roof of the family station wagon on their 1983 vacation trip from Massachusetts to Beach O' Pines, Ontario. According to the wiki, some concluded that Seamus suffered excessive air pressure on his head, and the president of PETA (never an organization to shy away from making a strong statement), called it animal cruelty and torture.

In any case, back in the day, before my career as a blogger, when I was writing mainly for friends' amusement, I was able to obtain an interview with Seamus. Without further ado...

Interview with Seamus, The Romneys' Dog, 1983 The Romneys are packed for their yearly vacation, Their wagon is bound for a neighboring nation, Stuffed full. What of Seamus? Now what is his station?     ROOF! - ROOF! - ROOF! So Seamus, you rode on the roof of the wagon? At eighty per hour, the wind had you gaggin'? So what did it feel like... they're shaggin', you're draggin'?     ROUGH! - ROUGH! - ROUGH! To ride on the roof while your daddy and mummy Sit cozy inside... why, how thoroughly bummy! Say, Seamus, that surely was hard on the tummy?     RALPH! - RALPH! - RALPH! Vacation the next year; last summer's behind him, And where is old Seamus... you think Mitt can find him? Oh... what's with the rope, Seamus? where will you bind him?     ROOF! - ROOF! - ROOF! - Steve Bates

Seamus is no longer in the land of the living. But Mittens lives on. Life isn't fair, is it?