Thursday, January 27, 2011

Red Alert Fades To Black

It's true: sad to say, the infamous color-coded terrorism alerts are being retired. I can't help remembering my doggerel on the subject back on 3/13/2002. So you won't have to traverse a link to a nearly defunct site, I'll reproduce the doggerel below.
Red Alert! Misread Alert!

Can't afford to be in error?
Try our color-coded terror
There's a color of the spectrum
   for each level of alert;
Save the hue for quick retrieval:
It's your measure of the evil...
Doesn't tell you how you'll lose your ass,
   but how you'll lose your shirt!

First: they'll verbally announce
That the terrorists may pounce,
Though the statement won't assist you
   in discerning where or when;
When the bad guys hear the color,
In frustration they will holler:
If it clashes with their clothing,
   they'll commit no fashion sin!

Next: each dendrite and each axon
Are assaulted by a klaxon
Blaring loud, with flashing colored lights
   delighting all the Trekkers;
It's the rainbow you'll have seen
(Though they flipped the blue and green),
It will help you stave off boredom,
   but it won't avoid the wreckers.

Next: you're shouting, "Holy shit," sir:
Seeing Jennings, Rather, Blitzer
On the tube, with hair and skin
   all dyed the color of the day;
With your breakfast in your throat,
You may reach for your remote;
You can mute, switch channels, turn it off...
   It never goes away.

Next: I cannot tell you how, sir,
But they'll commandeer each browser,
Pitching popups full of terror words
   in shades you'll hate to view.
Once you're full of fear and loathing,
You should wear no piece of clothing
That you care about, for there's no doubt
   you soon will poop or spew!

Last: new color. For a while it
Seems to push beyond the violet,
Then you'll realize this new alert
   has struck you bloody blind.
While your body heaves and pukes,
Dub is setting off his nukes,
Just to show the evil terrorists
   what's on his tiny mind.

But before you melt or vaporize,
Or burn as bright as paper, guys,
Remember, you were duly warned;
   for once Dub didn't lie.
Do not think his warning cruel;
Just recall the ancient rule:
Tuck your head between your legs, my friend,
   and kiss your ass goodbye!

- Steve Bates


  1. Goodbye red, goodbye blue
    Don't think I'll be missing you
    They make me think of Bush the bore With his cohorts making war
    And with his wars for oil 'won'
    He bombed civilians just for fun.
    Goodbye colors
    Goodbye Bush
    Don't let the door
    hit your tush.

  2. The death
    From above
    By silent drones
    Roams the skies
    And kills
    The ties to justice.

  3. Ah, just what I've hoped for for years: replies containing verses of their own! Thanks, ellroon and mandt!



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