Red Alert Fades To Black

It's true: sad to say, the infamous color-coded terrorism alerts are being retired. I can't help remembering my doggerel on the subject back on 3/13/2002. So you won't have to traverse a link to a nearly defunct site, I'll reproduce the doggerel below.

Red Alert! Misread Alert!

Can't afford to be in error?

Try our color-coded terror

There's a color of the spectrum

   for each level of alert;

Save the hue for quick retrieval:

It's your measure of the evil...

Doesn't tell you how you'll lose your ass,

   but how you'll lose your shirt!

First: they'll verbally announce

That the terrorists may pounce,

Though the statement won't assist you

   in discerning where or when;

When the bad guys hear the color,

In frustration they will holler:

If it clashes with their clothing,

   they'll commit no fashion sin!

Next: each dendrite and each axon

Are assaulted by a klaxon

Blaring loud, with flashing colored lights

   delighting all the Trekkers;

It's the rainbow you'll have seen

(Though they flipped the blue and green),

It will help you stave off boredom,

   but it won't avoid the wreckers.

Next: you're shouting, "Holy shit," sir:

Seeing Jennings, Rather, Blitzer

On the tube, with hair and skin

   all dyed the color of the day;

With your breakfast in your throat,

You may reach for your remote;

You can mute, switch channels, turn it off...

   It never goes away.

Next: I cannot tell you how, sir,

But they'll commandeer each browser,

Pitching popups full of terror words

   in shades you'll hate to view.

Once you're full of fear and loathing,

You should wear no piece of clothing

That you care about, for there's no doubt

   you soon will poop or spew!

Last: new color. For a while it

Seems to push beyond the violet,

Then you'll realize this new alert

   has struck you bloody blind.

While your body heaves and pukes,

Dub is setting off his nukes,

Just to show the evil terrorists

   what's on his tiny mind.

But before you melt or vaporize,

Or burn as bright as paper, guys,

Remember, you were duly warned;

   for once Dub didn't lie.

Do not think his warning cruel;

Just recall the ancient rule:

Tuck your head between your legs, my friend,

   and kiss your ass goodbye!

- Steve Bates